There are days where you shine brighter than the sun...
Then, there are days where you have found yourself burried so deep in the ground that you feel no hope to ever see the light of day again.
My heart is aching.
Physically, emotionally, it's dying.
I'm trying to go on with my routine, but my mind is driving me into the dirt.
Each word, each thought that crosses my mind, digs the hole deeper.
I just want to jump in and never come back out.
I wish I could describe to you the extent of this self-hate,
All of which is derived from my own idiocracy...
Getting too close, feeling too much, following my heart,
If this is the way love makes you feel in the end,
Is it worth it to even keep trying, to keep looking?
Is it even worth it to be here at all when I feel this way?
The bottom of the hole is empty except for my thoughts and the thousands of tears that follow.
I can only hope that you're, at least, happy.

The Line.

Where do you draw the line?
The one that you've created, just for me?
The one that you've created just out of my reach, so I'll never ever be able to touch it,
because I'm not good enough for you.
I'm not good enough to reach up and grab the line that just might pull me closer to your heart.
I'm tired of feeling this way.
My feelings towards you outweigh yours for me by a million tons.
They're holding me down.
They make me feel heavy with doubt, anger, and disappointment.
Nobody's perfect, but I'm trying to be for you.
Either give me the chance to do my best,
or erase the line and just let me distance myself from you.

Connection.

I've been inspired for several years by Adele's writing.  This song is really connecting with me today.  Music for the soul.

Light.

Glimmers of sunlight somehow push their energy through the closed blinds, giving this dead, vacant room a touch of hope with its warm, glowing softness.

Even a suit of armor, cold and hard, can’t keep it all out.  The light has a way of reaching out to everything, seeping through even the tiniest of cracks to spread its love, forcing the darkest and scariest places to fight to the death in attempt to keep it out.

I have plunged my secrets and fears so deeply into the ground that no one would ever know they exist.  It doesn't mean that they don't.  They can’t escape.  It's like burrying a favorite childhood toy in a time capsule.  It might not see the light for hundreds of years, but it's curiosity that drives humanity.  Someday, those secrets will be revealed, and when they've been reunited with the light at last, they will turn into treasures.  It takes time and it takes forgiveness.  When the light is welcomed back with open arms, the soul can finally be cleansed and replenished with all things beautiful.

Finally moving... on.

Months have drifted by in a blur.
So much has happened...
an entirely different group of faces to call my family,
a relationship that's been crushed so hard, the leftover bits fly by in the wind...
hardly unnoticed.
Old musings are merely photographs stuffed in a trunk in the attic.
New musings are only amusing for so long
and then I'm left with my thoughts...
still feeling lonely...
still feeling confused...
still wondering if I'm making the right choice.
Still praying to Whatever-it-or-who it is that listens to prayers
to have some courage to tell you what's been on my mind...
my mind that's flooded with uncertainty...

And it's then,
just when it seems like things couldn't get any worse,
that beauty once again crosses my path.
It's mystery such as this that makes life so wonderful.
People who inspire me to want to better myself,
to set myself free,
to express my art...
they come rushing forward like the high tide washes over the shore...
right on time,
cleansing,
but at the same time leaving new treasures to be discovered.
I'm finally ready to seek these opportunities.
I'm ready to breathe in this new-found energy that's been circulating me the last few weeks.
I'm ready to embrace change and move on.



I'm back.  It's been far too long since I've written here.  Reading through some of my old posts made me realize how much I miss writing down what's actually on my mind.  I look forward to sharing new quirks with all of you.

xoxo,
Christina

Peace of mind.

Autumn is my favorite time of year. There's something about nature that just captivates and inspires me to discover new paths filled with positive change. It's as if every fall, I discover these little things about myself that really create a peace of mind. For nearly as long as I can remember, I did my best to hide the truth. Most times, the reality of certain situations was so intense and scary, I'd find myself daydreaming that I was somebody else, stuck in this beautiful land of "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows," and I'd tell people that everything was peachy and that I was going to be ok, when in fact, things continued to worsen. To be perfectly honest, it wasn't until a few weeks ago, that the truth began to slap me in the face. My mom has a horrible disease that nearly took her life.  Although we never had a good relationship, something inside pushed me to be with her, forgive her for the heartbreak she caused, forgive myself for hating her at times, and tell her for the first time in years that I love her.  I was the only one by her side, but that's all it took.  Because I let myself be compassionate, honest, and forgiving, she is still with us today.  And for that, I'm so thankful.  So many times, you don't realize what you have until it's gone.  Life lesson: count your blessings.

Colors

"This is the greatest time of day...when all the clocks are spinnin' backwards, and all the ropes that bind begin to fray, and all the black and white turns into colors." -Grace Potter

This woman inspires me so much.  This is one of the most beautiful songs written.