There are days where you shine brighter than the sun...
Then, there are days where you have found yourself burried so deep in the ground that you feel no hope to ever see the light of day again.
My heart is aching.
Physically, emotionally, it's dying.
I'm trying to go on with my routine, but my mind is driving me into the dirt.
Each word, each thought that crosses my mind, digs the hole deeper.
I just want to jump in and never come back out.
I wish I could describe to you the extent of this self-hate,
All of which is derived from my own idiocracy...
Getting too close, feeling too much, following my heart,
If this is the way love makes you feel in the end,
Is it worth it to even keep trying, to keep looking?
Is it even worth it to be here at all when I feel this way?
The bottom of the hole is empty except for my thoughts and the thousands of tears that follow.
I can only hope that you're, at least, happy.

The Line.

Where do you draw the line?
The one that you've created, just for me?
The one that you've created just out of my reach, so I'll never ever be able to touch it,
because I'm not good enough for you.
I'm not good enough to reach up and grab the line that just might pull me closer to your heart.
I'm tired of feeling this way.
My feelings towards you outweigh yours for me by a million tons.
They're holding me down.
They make me feel heavy with doubt, anger, and disappointment.
Nobody's perfect, but I'm trying to be for you.
Either give me the chance to do my best,
or erase the line and just let me distance myself from you.

Connection.

I've been inspired for several years by Adele's writing.  This song is really connecting with me today.  Music for the soul.

Light.

Glimmers of sunlight somehow push their energy through the closed blinds, giving this dead, vacant room a touch of hope with its warm, glowing softness.

Even a suit of armor, cold and hard, can’t keep it all out.  The light has a way of reaching out to everything, seeping through even the tiniest of cracks to spread its love, forcing the darkest and scariest places to fight to the death in attempt to keep it out.

I have plunged my secrets and fears so deeply into the ground that no one would ever know they exist.  It doesn't mean that they don't.  They can’t escape.  It's like burrying a favorite childhood toy in a time capsule.  It might not see the light for hundreds of years, but it's curiosity that drives humanity.  Someday, those secrets will be revealed, and when they've been reunited with the light at last, they will turn into treasures.  It takes time and it takes forgiveness.  When the light is welcomed back with open arms, the soul can finally be cleansed and replenished with all things beautiful.

Finally moving... on.

Months have drifted by in a blur.
So much has happened...
an entirely different group of faces to call my family,
a relationship that's been crushed so hard, the leftover bits fly by in the wind...
hardly unnoticed.
Old musings are merely photographs stuffed in a trunk in the attic.
New musings are only amusing for so long
and then I'm left with my thoughts...
still feeling lonely...
still feeling confused...
still wondering if I'm making the right choice.
Still praying to Whatever-it-or-who it is that listens to prayers
to have some courage to tell you what's been on my mind...
my mind that's flooded with uncertainty...

And it's then,
just when it seems like things couldn't get any worse,
that beauty once again crosses my path.
It's mystery such as this that makes life so wonderful.
People who inspire me to want to better myself,
to set myself free,
to express my art...
they come rushing forward like the high tide washes over the shore...
right on time,
cleansing,
but at the same time leaving new treasures to be discovered.
I'm finally ready to seek these opportunities.
I'm ready to breathe in this new-found energy that's been circulating me the last few weeks.
I'm ready to embrace change and move on.



I'm back.  It's been far too long since I've written here.  Reading through some of my old posts made me realize how much I miss writing down what's actually on my mind.  I look forward to sharing new quirks with all of you.

xoxo,
Christina

Peace of mind.

Autumn is my favorite time of year. There's something about nature that just captivates and inspires me to discover new paths filled with positive change. It's as if every fall, I discover these little things about myself that really create a peace of mind. For nearly as long as I can remember, I did my best to hide the truth. Most times, the reality of certain situations was so intense and scary, I'd find myself daydreaming that I was somebody else, stuck in this beautiful land of "sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows," and I'd tell people that everything was peachy and that I was going to be ok, when in fact, things continued to worsen. To be perfectly honest, it wasn't until a few weeks ago, that the truth began to slap me in the face. My mom has a horrible disease that nearly took her life.  Although we never had a good relationship, something inside pushed me to be with her, forgive her for the heartbreak she caused, forgive myself for hating her at times, and tell her for the first time in years that I love her.  I was the only one by her side, but that's all it took.  Because I let myself be compassionate, honest, and forgiving, she is still with us today.  And for that, I'm so thankful.  So many times, you don't realize what you have until it's gone.  Life lesson: count your blessings.

Colors

"This is the greatest time of day...when all the clocks are spinnin' backwards, and all the ropes that bind begin to fray, and all the black and white turns into colors." -Grace Potter

This woman inspires me so much.  This is one of the most beautiful songs written.

Deep breath.

I find it so incredibly amazing how the littlest things can inspire you to better yourself in the most positive light.  Perhaps it's a movie, or a piece of art, a song, a person that you meet.  Things happen for a reason and if you can't get it out of your head, maybe it's just supposed to stay there.

This week has been a tough one for me.  Unlike myself, I've been sulking in self-pity and frustration.  I've had a difficult time trying to stay positive through a tough time with my family, trying to heal my broken relationship, financial stress, seeking some sort of spiritual guidance, looking everywhere but right in front of my face for something to make me smile...

Epiphany: life is beautiful and for a short while, I get to live in this wonderful place filled with people that do care. Why not follow my dreams? There is nothing that can stop me from persuing what I love. Each doubt is challenged by a stronger solution. Today, I can dance. I can love. I can learn something new. I can discover a piece of my soul that I didn't know existed. I can go wherever I want; it's just up to me to get back on the right path.

The pheonix, one of the most beautiful of mystical creatures is born from it's own ashes. The grass rots into the ground in the fall, but in the spring, it is freshly awakened, gleaming with the brightest, most beautiful green yet.  The tinyest bits of inspiration can get you back on the right track.  Open up your eyes to what's in front of you.  It takes failing to succeed.  Deep breath.  Everything is going to be ok.

Painting: "Friends Under the Rain" by Leonida Fremov

First love.

Beautiful cover to one of my favorite songs.  This one really hits home.

Smile.

"Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."  --Dr. Seuss

"Eva"
Watercolor by Cate Parr
Los Angeles

Raw.

I adore this video and this girl's amazing raw energy!

Laugh.

Hahaha!

Vulnerability

It always amazes me how the smallest things in life can leave the heaviest footprints on your heart. There's a man I work with, middle-aged and single, with no children, who takes care of his grandfather every evening. Although the grandfather has been fighting for the past three years, this man was always there to push him, to keep him hanging on. It was his passion, almost like his duty. The man is one of the most loving and caring, yet one of the most strong-willed I've ever met and I've never seen a tear in his eyes until yesterday. I heard the news of his grandfather's passing and I knew it would be a tough night, especially because he had to be at work. I didn't say much to him all evening and when the day was done and I was about to leave, I went to express my condolences. I waited until he was alone and told him I was sorry for his loss. His back was turned and all he muttered was, "Thanks, Christina." As I turned to leave, I noticed he was crying. I've never seen him so vulnerable, so weak and upset. I didn't sleep much last night and his sad expression has been spinning through my thoughts all day. I don't really know why, but it made such an emotional impact on me.

Inspiration:  Listen.  Hug.  Be compassionate.  Love.

"It's a long, long road you gotta roll down, before you find your way, my friend. And it's a high, high hill you gotta climb, before you get to the top again."--Grace Potter and the Nocturnals ("Low Road")

Artist of the day- Tim Janis

I love Tim Janis' music. His gorgeous, light melodies blended with the soulful, heart-wrenching harmonies have gotten me through a lot of rough times in my life. This song always makes me smile and reflect.

Indulge

I gaze out my window and find myself smiling as I watch hundreds of sparkling crystals gently floating downward, kissing the ground and creating a bed of pure white. Mother Nature is welcoming February with quite a lot of snow, but surprisingly, I don't mind. Only half the people in the world get to experience the pure beauty of winter, and despite the dryness and bitter cold, I consider myself lucky to be one of them. I find myself a bit caught up in anticipation for one of my favorite holidays, Valentine's day. I'm a romantic. I love lace, ribbons, pink and red, chocolate, wine, and snuggling up next to someone special. February is a time of indulgence, and I plan on doing just that.

Giggle for the day

A blonde recently lost her job and was looking for a way to make a little extra cash. She decided that she would try going door to door, asking families in her neighborhood if they had any random jobs for her to do. The blonde went to the first house and knocked on the door. A man answered and she asked him if he needed any help around the house. He replied, "You could paint the porch. How much would you charge?"

The blonde replied that she would charge $50 and the man agreed. He told her where the ladders, paint, and supplies were. The man's wife had overheard the conversation and asked if the blonde realized that the porch went all the way around the house. The man replied, "She should. She was standing on it."

Half an hour went by and the blonde knocked on the door once more to let the man know she had finished.

"You're done already?!" exclaimed the man.

"Yes," she replied, "and I had some leftover paint, so I gave it two coats. By the way. It's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

Grace Potter and The Nocturnals - Goodbye Kiss

Favorite Modern Artist!

Natasha Wescoat is my favorite.  LOVE the trees.

The Sound of Sunshine!

This song just makes me smile. Every time.

Eat, Pray, Love.

Incredible.